Friend

This is the inspiration for 12/31 on my "Celebrate Friends" calendar.   Thought I'd share it for my friends on New Year's Eve (day).  I hope that I am that friend that you value...because I value each and every one of you! 


A friend is a precious possession whose value increases with years.  Someone who doesn't forsake us when a difficult moment appears.  And our road will be smooth and untroubled no matter what care life may send; if we travel the pathway together, and walk side by side with a friend. ~Henry Van Dyke

Happy New Year, my friends!

New Year's Eve, Eve

Here I sit, on a day of vacation before my vacation.  I'm all packed for my vacation with two of my best friends.  I'm going to be heading in to town in a little bit to pick up those last minute things at the store - my natural antidepressant, mascara, hit the gym, go to the bank, search for a all inclusive wallet, and a cup of coffee.   

I'm excited for this trip to Las Vegas for more than one reason.   I get to spend time with two of my (five) best friends, I'll be experiencing new sights in a place I've not been to before, I'll get to see some sun (although it's only supposed to be 50 degrees).  

This trip came about as a result of  the death of our good friend, Char Schmitt.  We came home from her funeral and were sitting at  the IDK toasting her life - she passed away at age 56.  Far too young.  We got to talking about bucket lists and what we wanted to do before we died.  A bit morbid, I know.  But as we had just witnessed, tomorrow is never promised - it's a gift.

Well, needless to say, the topic turned to trips, trips together, and voila!  A trip to Las Vegas was born.  (Thank you Vickie K. for your bucket list!).  And....I'm sure that Char had a hand in it too!  (Miss you, Char!).

Dean

My long-time college friend, Dean, put out a veiled plea for help on Facebook last night.  It scared me.

Dean and I have been friends since 1981.  We actually dated for about 6 months before we decided we made better friends than a couple.  Throughout the years we've been there for each other even though we actually see each other once a year, if we're lucky.

So when I saw his words, "I'm Done with life"...I'm knew something was drastically wrong. I started calling and texting.  After several ignored attempts to both, he finally answered.

Without getting in to his personal life, it's safe to say he's in a depression and trying hard to figure out where he needs to be at age 52.

We shared some tears together.  I tried to relay some words of wisdom and to let him know he's not alone. 

Life, at best, is difficult. And if there is a chink in your armor that's weak, life can be hell.   But....if you're lucky to have friends to help share the burden, it can help.

Dean will be back in ND the end of January and I made him promise that we'll get together and maybe solve life's problems like we did in the old days....with a bottle of Jack out under the stars next to a fire.  (Not realistic for ND in January, I know, but a good memory )

You're not alone Dean.  You've got a friend to lean on.

Christmas 2015

It's a quiet day today, kicking back and catching up on sleep, doing some computer work, and just relaxing.  It's been a long time since I've had down time.

We went to my sister's house last night to spend Christmas Eve with her family; both girls are home with their guys.

It was so fun to see both of them again.  The family dynamics are hilarious and I  laugh at the chaos of gift opening.  I just sit back, watch the paper fly and smile.

I've been going to my sister's house for 41 years.  It's tradition and I won't allow myself to think of the day when that tradition is no more.

So, I enjoy what is and feel love for these beautiful three ladies.

Martin

I woke up with a cold in full onset mode.  The last thing I wanted to do was work out with Nick at 8 am, but that's just what I did.  I even did time on the elliptical machines.

I headed to Walmart and my mood was elevated when I got a huge hug from my Blaine. I admit, I shed a few tears.  He touches my heart!

As I was walking in to Hugo's to get a coffee at Caribou, a co-worker stopped her car and yelled, "Merry Christmas Sherry".  I hurried up and ran to give her a hug.  Once more, tears in my eyes.

But truly touching was my coffee partner.  I decided to sit at the high top table and watch the parking lot hustle and bustle.  An elderly man was sitting there cursing at his phone.  Apparently his son's phone calls were getting dropped.  He said, "all I want to know is if I'm supposed to go there tonight.  He never told me."

His name was Martin, he's a widower and 78 years old.  He has two sons, but one is an alcoholic and the other one has a wife who doesn't like him.  He said, "all I've ever done in life has been for my family".  We proceeded to talk about the current state of our country, religion and politics - which is weird because I make it a point to never discuss my views on those topics.  He was easy to talk to and readily shared his life story with me.  I lost an hour talking with him, but it was an hour well spent.

As I was leaving I reached out to shake his hand.  He took mine and said, "thank you, I as just wasting time."  I smiled and replied, "I was too...so thank YOU Martin"..then gave him a hug.  We both had tears in our eyes.

Merry Christmas, Martin

What next...

We had our holiday office lunch today.  I'm getting sick with a cold and a co-worker just came back from being on sick-leave for two days.  The atmosphere in our office is less than festive.  Moral issues, perhaps.  I don't know what it was, but we all sat there like bump on logs.  Sad.

 

I hope that whatever I'm coming down with doesn't last long.  I don't like being sick - especially in winter when my psyche and defenses are down.

 

I have one more yoga class then I'm off for a two weeks.  Thank goodness!  Yoga is my passion but I soooooo need a break.  It's hard to teach when your head is cluttered with thoughts and the body just wants to sleep. 

Monday, Monday

It's the Monday of Christmas.  It's going to be a busy week at work.  We have an all-staff meeting on Tuesday, and our department Christmas party on Wednesday.  (We're so busy in Admin that hardly any of us have been in a jolly mood.  That and drama has things a bit Scrooge-like.  Sadly.) 

 

 In between all of that, I have two yoga classes and my trainer on Tuesday night and Thursday morning, finishing up gift buying and wrapping.  I don't buy for a lot of people anymore, so it shouldn't take me all that long (I hope).   Not really feeling all that festive this year - but hopefully that will change on Christmas Eve when I'm around family. 

 

I found this quote today that I put on Facebook and liked it so much that I'm putting it on here.   

 

"Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly, and without expectation.  We don't love to be loved, we love to love."  (Author Unknown). 

 

 

Star Wars

We were invited to see Star Wars this afternoon with Robert, Dani and their girls Chance and Danika.   It was a great movie and I was mesmerized by the cinematography.  

I remember the first Stars Wars movie as if it were yesterday.   

It was 1977.  My niece, Shelly, and I were allowed to go to the movie on our own - unsupervised.  That was a BIG deal for us!   We were allowed to walk all the way from Claus Park, where we were having a family picnic,  to the (then) Jamestown Mall.   We were given money so that we could have ice cream at Haugen's Ice Cream Parlor (now the Depot Cafe).   It was our first time of having this type of parental "trust" and it was amazing.  We felt so adult-like.

But that dulled in comparison to the thrill of the movie starting.  The music started and the story started to roll across the story, "In a galaxy, far, far away.."    I don't think either of us blinked until the end of the movie.   

I felt the same excitement today ...but from the two little girls sitting on either side of me.   A whole new generation of Star Wars fans were born.   

I know girls, I know....it's going to be a long wait for the next Star Wars movie comes out, isn't it?!

BRRRRR

Winter has finally arrived in the northland and I'm not so sure I like it.   I guess we've been lucky as it is the end of December.  Normally we'd have a month or two of this stuff already.   Quit my complaining, right?

 

Today is Friday and very glad.  I'm looking forward to tonight.  I get to go out with my best friends for a little bit R & R.  Tonight we're going out for supper at Paradiso's then doing a painting party at Wild Plum at 7:00 pm.    My father painted (self taught) in his later years in life.   I, however, can't draw a stickman.   So this will be immensely entertaining.  I'll try to remember to post a picture of the finished product.

 

Today's words of wisdom:  You are the painter, and life is your canvas.  

Star Date 12172015

For some unknown reason I feel a bit unsettled today.  Perhaps it's the blustery weather that has my SAD in full gear and emotions high.  Been weepy eyed all morning. 

I've been hiding out in my corner of the world trying to get as much done as I can under the circumstances.   It helps to have Pandora turned up and  my essential oils applied frequently.

I wish it was Friday today.  Actually I just need to get to the gym and work this mood off. 

Wise Words

Some days are better than others.  Today is a so-so day.  Could be better, and could certainly be worse (I know, because I've had far too many days like those in 2015).  But the one thing I keep remembering is what my daddy used to say.  "If you can change it, then change it.  If you can't,  then move on and let it go.".  My daddy was a wise man.  Too many people want to Change things OR people that are not within their control.  Or, if it is...they'd rather whine about it than do the work to facilitate the change.  I have my days too...I'm not perfect (far from it!) But some days you just have to let crap go or you'll go crazy.  Or get off your a$$ and make a change.

Shop with a Cop

I'm bursting at the seams once more.  Today I had the good fortune of volunteering some time with the 2015 Law Enforcement Shop with a Cop.  It's coordinated through the Fraternal Order of Police (FOP) and local law enforcement agencies (Police, Sheriff and Corrections).   James River Correctional Center had 16 staff volunteering their time an 5 of the family members.  I'm so proud of our staff.  The officers work a thankless job.  So it was nice to see them giving back today and finding some "light" to all they do.

My child today was named Jocelyn, aka JoJo.   She's a precocious little 10-year girl that seemingly has gone through more than she should at such a tender age.  She said that she's the 3rd eldest in a family of 7 siblings, with an anticipated brother or sister on the way.  Her mother is on an oxygen tank due to cystic fibrosis.    

When I was talking to her, I quickly noticed that she liked order in her life.  I can't imagine what her home life is life.   My heart melted as she grabbed my hand when we went through WalMart.   She kept asking, "how much can I spend?"   I told her, "Don't worry, JoJo - I'll let you know when we're close."   

She picked out her gifts - things a little girl of 10 would like - and said, "I want to get some chocolate for my Mom.  Do I have enough?"     Yes, you do, sweet girl.  :)

I witnessed so much caring today that my heart overflowed through my eyes.  

Blaine

I had a conversation with my nephew Blaine tonight.  He always makes me smile, but tonight he had me crying.

He's had a few bad days at work and didn't say anything to me until tonight.  When I asked why, he said "because I wanted to handle it myself and bother anyone."

I told him that I admired him for wanting to handle things on his own but to never, ever feel like he was a bother.

I spoke to him about how dealing with issues alone can be difficult. .but sometimes just having someone in your corner to listen to you and be there for you can make even the most difficult days seem tolerable.

I also promised Blaine that no matter where I am, day or night, if he needed me all he needed to do was call and I'd be by his side to help him through whatever he was going through.

I've been a part of his life since his birth and it crushes me to know he's in pain or worried.

Blaine is my world...and I'll move heaven and earth to make sure everything is right in his world.

Strength

Today was one of those days.  Woke up with a raging headache that had me laying in bed contemplating calling in sick and staying home.   My damn work ethic prevented me from doing it. 

I popped some Excedrine Migraine with a coffee chaser and got up.

It didn't go away until the gym.  Nic had me doing supersets tonight.  No talking, just lifting.  I did lawnmowers 20 lbs 10 x 3.  It dawned on me on the first set that I've never done 20 lbs.  I said "I'm mildly impressed with myself right now." 

Nic asked why mildly.  "Because I won't let my mind be blown away until I make it through all the sets."

On set three, last rep he said, "Be prepared to be blown away..you did it.  But I knew you could,  you just need to Believe it yourself."

Point taken and noted, Nic. 

Busy Day

I've been going non-stop since 830 am.  It's 6pm now.  I'm tired.

Yesterday I had two yoga classes then picked up an ICAP dog and visited Chris K.  He's had so many health issues and is having a difficult time.  Bringing a dog was meant to cheer him up...and it did.  But what ended up happening was him listening to me vent.  He just listened.  No advice, no judgement. .just an ear.  I'm going to make it a point to visit him more often and bring a dog with. 

Today I was up early cleaning and doing laundry.   Then I tackled getting rid of stuff from the basement.   Four boxes ready to go to goodwill.  And there's plenty more.

I even went for a bike ride at the Pipestem.  It was brisk, but the north Ridge trail is what I needed to clear the mind and burn off some steam. 

So...I'm going to eat, take a bath, drink some wine and relax the rest of the night.  Maybe.

Post Thanksgiving

I'm tired, I'm bloated from too much salt, I drank my weight in wine..but it was great.

This was the first Thanksgiving in 25 years that I hadn't cook for the Schutt family.  With Ella gone and Bill in NM, there really isn't anyone to cook for.

My sister Peg invited us to join the Beckman-Weatherly feast at her house.  At first I wasn't sure about crashing her table.  But I knew sitting at home would make me sad. So we accepted.

The food was delicious, the conversation was witty, wine flowed like a river and we felt welcomed.

And you know what?  It felt just like the Thanksgivings we used to have at home at the (Schulz) farm.  It brought back memories. I have to admit, I excused myself to go outside on the pretense of having a hot flash...but really needed to shed some emotional tears.  I missed Ella and the Schutts...but Mom and Dad too.  Today would've been their 75th wedding anniversary.  

So it was a good Thanksgiving.  Thank you, Peggy and Karen for inviting us.  You made a sad day one of remembrance.

Tired

I'm tired and the weather isn't helping much.  The gale force winds are crazy and exhausting.  I always try and look for a positive in everything,  so I guess the positive is that the temperature is above zero and we don't have snow on the ground.

I am looking forward to the weekend already.  Stress load has been high this week and I need a little recovery time.  Other than yoga Saturday morning, I have nothing planned.

I ran in to my friend Chris Kodiak  (double amputee) yesterday at the grocery store.  He's a prime example of why a person needs to take care of their health...diet, exercise, pay attention to health concerns, etc.  He asked about the service dogs we train.  As he was doing so, you could see the longing in his eyes.  Depending how my weekend plays out, I may pick up an ICAP dog from the prison and go visit him in his apartment.   It'll give him time with a dog, company and help get his mind off of his worries.  Plus, it'll give me time with a dog  (I miss that) and will help me de-stress also.  Anytime with a dog is good time. 

I can make it one more day.

Rain

My mood matches the weather today. ..dark and gloomy.  I haven't slept more than 4 hours each night for the last two nights.  I'm tired and just a little on edge. 

The only bright spot is that I get some artificial sun today and I get to work out with my trainer tonight.  He's pretty good about reading my mood, so hopefully he'll be able to help me work out some of my frustration and anxiety.

What Weekend?!

Today was my half day at work.  I left work and headed to my first yoga class of Seniors at The Legacy Cneter.  We worked on balance today.  The whole time they were saying it was going to be easy, they were sweating it out.  Balance isnt as easy as it looks.  I keep telling them that as we age, the most important thing for us is to keep mobile and stable.  Maybe they'll understand this winter when they slip on the ice and stay upright rather than fall and break something.

My second group was at the Heritage Center.  My numbers there are dwindling.  Several that have been with me through the last three years have died or are too injured to make it to class.  Those that do attend are my faithful followers.  They keep asking me when I'll be back.  I've contemplated stopping going there but I know they look forward to it and so do I.  In truth, it's a stark reminder to me to stay active and not to become sedentary.  Use it or lose it.

Since I didn't get much sleep last night, I need to make sur that I try and hit bed early so that I have a ghost of a chance to get some sleep before I wake up at 3 am (normal waking time).

Tomorrow is one busy day.  I start at 8:30 with my Wakeup yoga, then head to Anytime Fitness at 10:15 for a class there.   Tomorrow I am part of the Women's Expo being held at the Quality Inn and Suites as part of the Anytime Fitness brigade.  My trainer and I are actually doing a breakout session at 12:30 pm.  At 2:00 pm I head to a baby shower for my neighbors son & daughter-in-law.   A little small talk with neighbors, some cake, then off to the Girl Scout Leader's.  They're paying me to give a half hour presentation to their group of 16 scout leaders.  With luck, I'll be done around 6 pm. 

Sunday I'll be headed to the reservoir to set up for the Special Olympics North Dakota Polar Plunge.  It's been a while since we've had one in Jamestown - especially one in open water.  I'm nervous about whether we will pull this off.  We've had very little time - a month? - to organize this.  It will be  !interesting and fun and, as always, I'll do whatever it takes to make the event as successful as it can be. 

So there you have it.  My weekend is beginning and already I'm exhausted.

Guess what..... it's the way I like it.  :). 

Simple Saturday

Woke up today feeling Ok.   Headed to town for a coffee and then my yoga class.  It was supposed to be a gentle, relaxing class but somehow it ended up more of a power class.  I had one guest from another town attending with her sister.  As she was leaving, she stated to me, "that was a great class, thank you."  Small words but it made me feel good.   

I headed up to Anytime Fitness for my class there.  Small group of three, but it was good.  Less movement but still good.

Now, the best part of my day - I got to spend a couple hours with my stylist Eva.  I feel human again after receiving a cut, color and manicure.  She and I have a good friendship as well as a customer/client relationship.  A couple of weeks ago we unloaded with each other, vented and cried.  We were both emotional I guess.   I've been going to her for 12 (?) years now.   When you find someone that you're that comfortable with, you don't lose them.

I called my friend Donna and we met up at Anytime Fitness for a half-hour workout.  She's getting started and I couldn't be more proud of her.  I know how hard it is to make that first step.  I've told her that she's already doing great by just showing up.  I'll try to do my best to encourage her and help her when asked, but I can't make her walk through the door - that, she has to do all on her own.

Tonight we're going to Marasalek's for post hunting supper.   We've been doing that for years.  It's their way of saying "thank you" for letting their family hunt our land.  I'm bringing dessert.  I made scotcheroos....first time ever.  Of course, they didn't turn out for crap.  But at least the epic fail tastes good, just didn't stick together.   

Tomorrow it's ALL about getting out on the bike and hitting the trails around the the reservoir and town.  I don't dare ride out in the country or around the pipestem due to hunting season.   Event wearing bright pink or orange doesn't make me feel safe.   

Hopefully I'll get some great time in on my two-wheeled steed.  It's needed...not only for body, but my mind as well.

Some Days

Some days are better than others.  Today wasn't a good day at all.

I woke up and, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't turn myself around.

Until I went to the gym.  I was able to work out some frustration with the help of Nick...the other man in my life.

He didn't crack a smile when he said, "let's go!".

Yessssir!

So here I am, drinking some wine after just having a hot bath to sooth sore muscles.

I'm not going to worry about tomorrow. .because I'm confident I'll be in a better frame of mind. Know why? Because I have people in my life who truly love me and will make sure I'm ok.

What to Write About

I find myself in my recliner this evening.  I'm tired, my mind is blurred with thought, yet I do not know what to write about.   This is when I start to ramble and hope that it all makes sense.

Friday was the start of my 5th annual yoga retreat.  True to form, I had a list of preparations, including packing clothes, buying groceries and wine (a necessity) and washing the rig.  A true procrastinating perfectionist, I didn't even attempt any of these things until Friday morning.  But first I went to a volleyball game.  My college friend, Jody, was in town to see her daughter play volleyball at the U of J.   I hurriedly rearranged my timeline so that I could attend the volleyball game and catch up with Jody.   We are getting reacquainted after many, many years of not having a lot of communication with each other.  Although we aren't as close as we once were, it's still good to see her.  She introduced me to her son, Aaron (14), as her "forever friend."   I like that and I guess that is an adequate statement.  She and I tend to drift in and out of each others life for some unknown reason.  And just as quickly as we reconnect, we drift apart again.  It used to bother me a great deal.  But l have come to understand this ebb and flow of life and do not question it.  

Later, as I was cruising the grocery store aisles, I ran in to a high school classmate, Rowena (Berg) Monson.  Although we are friends on Facebook, this is the first time I've seen her in the flesh in ten years (if not more).   We chatted like we'd seen each other yesterday.   It was great to see her and hear everything that has been going on in her life   She's quite the talker and covered a lot of ground in a matter of minutes.

I left the grocery store and headed right out to the English Manor Cabin at Lakeview Meadow Resort.  My yoga retreat people were going to show up around 5 pm and I had a lot to do.   Every year I say "this is my last retreat" - namely because it's a lot of work for me both mentally and physically.   But, as in years past, I left this retreat with the anticipation to next years retreat.   However, once the retreat honeymoon euphoria subsides, I'm sure I'll be giving some serious thought as to whether I want to do this again next year.  

My students are the greatest.  Through their witty conversations with each other and me, several ideas for marketing and special events were shared with me.  They were great ideas and well worth investigating.  I'm already working on a Wine and Yoga event for January at The Arts Center.   I'll need to be finalizing the details so marketing of the event can start.   

Daylight Saving time started last night also.  I am, without a doubt, not a fan of this event.  It's 6pm and pitch black.   This is the time of year where I start feeling the affects of S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  If you're a blog stalker, you know that last winter was difficult for me. To be fair, it wasn't all S.A.D that had me tanking.  However,  I have managed to climb out of the (emotional) basement without the aid of antidepressants.  I believe I'll be stronger this winter.  (I hope).

So, here I am, sitting in my recliner, sipping Apothic Dark, recapping the events of my weekend.  The memories made this weekend will forever be etched in my memory bank.

It was a day....

I woke up a little...blah.  I'm pretty sure it was because I ran out of coffee at home and didn't give myself time to get any at Caribou Coffee.

Tom and I went to Fargo to his Aunt Adel Adelines 9th birthday party.  She's  the only one left of Ellas family.  She's such a sweet lady.  She suffered a stroke last winter and she's very fraile and weak.  She remembered us and when I had the chance to speak with her alone, she whispered, "I miss Ella, I wish she was here."  We cried together.  So do I Aunt Adeline, so do I.

We had some stops to make, ate at Space Aliens and drove home.  It was a long, emotionally exhausting day.

Schulz Oktoberfest 2016

I like full weekends, but they make me tired. Friday night started out great with my friends and I meeting at Shady's for drinks, food, laughter and friendship.   Donna, Vickie, Rick were there along with Kay (co worker, not necessarily one of my inner circle).  Anyhow, we had some drinks and just unwound from the brutal work week that is becoming the norm.  I do not know where I'd be if it wasn't for my friends.  They uphold me, listen to me, tolerate me, laugh at me, and are there for me when I need them the most.  If I haven't said it lately..THANK YOU!

Saturday started out super early - 5:00 am - as T wanted to get up and go to an artifacts auction in Wahpeton.  I just got up and started my day by doing some final reunion shopping at Wal-Mart then taught two yoga classes. I rushed home, freshened up and drove to Medina for the reunion at 12:30. 

Medina isn't our normal venue.  Normally we're at the Bunker.  But, due to some misunderstandings, we had to change date and location,  Which is good, because it allowed my lovely niece and God-daughter to fly home from NC for the weekend an attend the reunion. 

Of my siblings, Terry my brother was missing.  His job pulled a fast one on him and sent him to Germany for three weeks.  He'll be home on the 30th.   We were also missing Brad, Glenn, Dennis, Michael, and Wendi.   

As usual, we had far too much food.  It was awesome.  Of course, trying to eat healthy is a challenge.  I tried, but based how bloated and sluggish I feel today, I do not think I succeeded.  The scale says I'm up 4 lbs.  I'm hoping it 's water weight!  lol   (Maybe the beer hasn't worked it's way out of my system either!). 

Today its about cleaning house, laundry, and catching some down time for myself.  I'm giving myself permission to take it easy this afternoon.  I'm doing some blogging, some bookwork, going to watch a movie (maybe), give myself a pedicure and just plain relax.  Going to try and go for a short bike ride tonight to round out the day.  

It was a good weekend. 

Lay Your Hands On Me

Every month I pamper myself with a massage.  It's an indulgence that is non-negotiable in my life.

I need it for my well being.  It's time for me to go in to "the vault" with my friend, soul sister and massage therapist.   I've been going to her for 12 years.  When we are in session, we let it all go.  Not only is it therapeutic to have her hands working out the severe knots in my body, but it's phenomenal to experience the transfer of energy between two people.  She's a GoDesana oil guru as well, so I get her full knowledge in that area also.

It's my time....it's All for me.

Drama

I absolutely despise drama and the tension that comes along with it.  Especially when there are unique personalities involved.

But I positively abhor drama when it's underhanded.  How do you combat it?  How do you not let it affect you? How do you continue to be a positive person when you'd really love to kick everyone's ass to the curb? 

Sunday

It's 9:30 ish on Sunday night.  Tomorrow is my early week as I have to report to work at 7 am.

Last weekend I didn't ride bike at all. I promised myself that this weekend I would be out riding every day.  I made good on that promise.

Friday after work I took the trails below the prison.  Not a real hard ride, but that's ok.  It's what I needed after the helacious week I'd just had.

Yesterday I took off riding after spending some time with one of my best friends who's going through a rough time.  I rode pretty much from 100 until 400.  It was a great day of riding.  I swear I covered every corner of town.  Some I didn't know existed even.

Today was a good ride.  I took the North Ridge Trail at 830 this morning.   It was cool, calm and beautiful.  I wasn't riding alone as I had two special souls with me...the ride was for them as much as it was for me.

I am so grateful to my best friend who introduced me to riding.  I feel so at peace when I'm out on those two wheels.  The only drawback is that my riding time is limited due to winter 😕

I'm just thankful I've gotten out as much as I have. 

Goodnight....sweet dreams

Friday

It's Friday morning at 5:33 am.  I've been laying in bed awake since 4.  And of course the movie in my head has been playing the entire time.

It's OK though, as the scenes in the movie were good.  I thought a lot about my parents, my friend Char, Terry,  Blaine and each of my circle of friends,

So my Friday is starting out pretty good...tired but good. 

It's Jeans day at work, the sun is supposed to be out (yeah!), my bike is loaded and my riding clothes packed.

As soon as quitting time hits, I'm out on my bike! It's my therapy and I need it desperately after this week.

Thursday

I had a rough Wednesday.  My sensitivity was on high alert and it didn't serve me well. 

My workplace is not the most relaxed environment right now.  I've tried hard to be the office cheerleader but it's difficult when I feel the same scrutiny as the others.

I had a meeting with my supervisor yesterday afternoon that didn't go well at all. She couldn't understand what my issue was.  When I get angry or emotional, I cry.  It's how I roll..my way of releasing steam without screaming or choking the other person.  I vented and found my voice through the tears.  It wasn't pretty. In retrospect the issue probably wasn't huge...but with my emotions on the roller-coaster ride lately, everything is feel is magnified by 10.

So today, Thursday, may be good, or very very bad.  Let's hope I can put yesterday behind me and move forward with grace.

I failed

I failed miserably this weekend on a goal I had set for myself. ..I didn't get out on my bike.  It was something I'd promised myself as a way to help me through my S.A.D and depression.

However,  I just heard the weather forecast for next weekend and I'm damn happy to hear it's going to be in the 75-80.  Yes!! I'm going to be riding Friday, Saturday and Sunday. .and that's a promise!

If you knew

If you could know what the future held for you, would you seek that knowledge?  Would you see in to your health, wealth, relationships and change your destiny if you could? Or would you let destiny unfold on it's own and trust you're on the right path.

What if found your future held sadness, darkness and trying times?  Would you run and hide or stand strong and fight?

What if you could see and know those who will be your life walkers to the very end.

Would you seek insight or would you trust your intuition and stay on your path?

Mantra

Sometimes we need to be reminded of a few things from time to time.  Sometimes we need to confirm in our minds by saying thoughts out loud.  You know, kind of like telling your best friend that you'll be out cycling every chance you can get; in other words, accountability.   If you say it, you're throwing it out to the Universe
  (Think...The Secret)

This is my recent mantra:
I am Sherry, in all my messy glory. I am light, energy and love.   I will embrace today and all the curveballs thrown my way.  I will live!

Ebb and Flow

In this world, the only constant is that things are always changing.  Relationships, friends, body weight, work...it doesn't matter what it is, everything changes on a daily basis.

I went to the funeral of a friend yesterday.  I drove, and two of my best friends (circle of) rode with me.  We were discussing the loss of Char in our world.  Vickie stated, "when we lose someone from our life, it makes room for someone else to walk in".  She went on to elaborate on something I've believed all along.  Everyone is in our life for a purpose..either to teach us something, or us teaching them.  Sometimes people move in and out of our lives quickly, sometimes slowly or not at all (our life walkers). 

Regardless, our life is in a constant state of change.  Our purpose, and purpose of those in our lives, may not be known immediately to us...but there IS a purpose.  We can either resist or fight the constant change, or we can embrace our life people and the ebb and flow. 

Conversation

I took Blaine to an appointment this morning.  While sitting in the waiting room, I engaged in conversation with several individuals: an older man from Gackle and a lady from Jud.  Good, please conversation.   I enjoyed hearing the man's view of society, prison population,  the state of ND'S population increase (future),  The lady was quiet until I started talking about the prison.  She piped right up about the inmates training dogs. That got the conversation really going!

I had to laugh at a memory of my Dad and Mom.  Dad, while waiting for Mom, would stirike up conversations with people...then tell Mom about them later.  She'd always ask,  "what were their names?" And Dad would always say, "Didn't ask...but they were nice."  Used to frustrate Mom every time!

I didn't ask names.  I agree Dad, they were nice.

Distraction Needed

My friend Char passed away last night.  Although it was expected and I'd said my goodbyes to her Friday night....it hit me hard.  I cried myself to sleep.

Today I tried to work hard and find distraction in it...but my thoughts kept returning to her.  The funeral will be Friday at 10 am.  I will be there...for Char.

And tonight I found my distraction.  Nick (trainer) stroked my ego by putting me through heavy weights, 4 drop sets of 5, 10, 10 and 20.  And told me afterwards that he can only do this workout with a few clients (of which I am).

Then I did a power yoga class without meaning to.  I obviously needed to work off some emotion.

By the time I got to Tip A Cop (Special Olympic Fundraiser ), I was tired but wasn't thinking about Char.  That is, until now.

So now I'm going to bed and hopefully my mind will let me dream sweet and sleep long.

Goodnight

Goodbye My Friend

Last night I said goodbye to my dear friend, Char.

She's a one in a million woman.  She has made peace with the news that she is dying and put herself on hospice care.  No more medications, or curative care. 

I've been to see her several times in the last 6 weeks.  Each time has been difficult and very emotional.  Last night was by far the worst.  When I gave her my final hug goodbye, she whispered "I'll tell your parents they did good with you"  and "I'll be there for you".

I lost it.  I couldn't speak, and am not entirely sure how I walked out of the room on my own.

Char, you truly are Light.  I pray for a peaceful passage to your next life journey.  Godspeed my friend.

Virgo Logic

That's Gratitude For You

I felt like I was sucker punched today.

A month ago a niece on the Schutt side texted me asking if she could have the quilt that was on (Grandma) Ella's bed.  I, of course, said "yes".

Unfortunately I hadn't gotten around to mailing it yet.

Today I received a text message from the sister (of niece) asking me to please send the quilt. Adding that I don't know how close they were to Ella and why would I withhold the quilt.  Both girls ubfriended me from Facebook and left the Schutt Family page.

I was speechless.

I've bent over backwards to keep in touch with all of the nieces and nephews ..and this is what I get?

I'm hurt.

Destiny

A neighbor of mine, Carol, remarried last evening.  She was widowed a few years ago.  The man, Jim, she married last night lost his wife due to cancer....also a few years ago, ironically within a week of Carols husband.

Now here's the rest of the story.

Carol and Jim were high school sweethearts.  They went their separate ways, married others and raised families.

As Carol said to me last night, "It's a God thing, we were destined to be together".

Destiny brought two hearts back together.

#Destiny

Birthday

Today was my birthday. I turned 53. 

And today I lived life in all of it's messy glory.

Faith in what was, what is and what will be.

Today, I lived.

Plan of Attack

The long weekend has totally been one of relaxation.  I can't say that I've done anything strenuous at all, and that's a good thing.

I was able to go out and do some bike riding yesterday and today.   Today was a bit on the chilly side, but that's ok. The changing of the seasons is happening.  The air is crisp and cool, the leaves are turning colors and it's the time of year where we start to downshift from the warp-speed summer months.

With that downshifting comes the shorter days.    Last winter, S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder) kicked my ass....big time.   It took me down hard.   I was talking with my best friend to day and was reminded that I need to be proactive in my handling of this seasonal depression.   And yes...You TOLD ME SO!  :)

I need to take more Vitamin D, I need to be on top of my iron levels, drink more water, get more rest, schedule more "me time" and not schedule myself in to exhaustion, and get some sun time at least once a week. 

I have something To Say

I listen to the news and my heart breaks for the families of murdered law enforcement personnel.  Yesterday, I wore Blue in support of the fallen men and women of Law Enforcement that have lost their lives due to senseless acts of violence. 

This is in retaliation to police brutality I suppose....at least that's how the people doing the senseless acts are justifying it.  I say it's bullshit.  

It takes guts and courage to report to duty dressed in uniform.  Corrections Officers, Police and Sheriff, BCI, FBI, etc.... all put their lives on the line to keep the public safe.  And this is their repayment?   Gratitude?

No.  It's senseless, it's brutal and totally uncalled for.

To my law enforcement brothers and sisters...keep the faith.  What you do DOES make a difference - to 99.9% of the population.  To those .01% - go crawl in a hole and stay there!

I couldn't sleep

As usual, I couldn't sleep last night.  Woke up at 3 am and my mind started thinking;

I wonder who else is awake right now and wishes they could fall back asleep.

What am I going to wear to work.
I wonder if it's clean
What movies are playing in town
Sure hope Wendy has a good shift at work
Hope my friend is enjoying their time in Medora
What am I gonna do this weekend
Have to remember to put up sign on studio door
Remember to wish Valerie a happy birthday
Remember to send Char and Chris healing energy
I should take an ICAP dog out today
I need to practice new ICAP commands

It gets worse.  But not enough room to go on.  Oh this crazy mind of mine! :)

Energy

So normally I give Mondays a whole bunch of negative energy.  Until someone (close friend) asked me why? I had you stop and think.  Monday really hasn't done anything bad to me.  Wrll, other than follow a weekend. 

I did eventually think of my reason though.  Mondays are bad days because OF giving it negative energy.   And because of that negative energy, the little things are magnified exponentially  (that word makes me smile).

So this morning I woke up, smiled, said prayers of healing and comfort to my friends experiencing difficulty, recited the Sanskrit poem, "Look Well To This Day", oiled up with essential oils and attacked Monday with Positive energy  (for a change).

Know what?  It's 5:13 and Monday was good. 

Wonder if this plan works on other days of the week also?!

#newplanofattack

Been A While

Yes, I've been absent from writing.  The last six months have been a bit difficult for me.  It hasn't been that I've had a loss of word.  I have many thoughts and words floating around in my head.

I'm still feeling a sense of grief for the loss of my mother-in-law, Ella.  I've learned, through counseling, her death triggered some unaddressed grief issues.   

Add to the grief, the menopausal symptoms of hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, house renovations, work overload, reunion planning, etc....let's just say I was in a tailspin.

I did go to the doctor to address the menopause symptoms and lack of sleep.   She prescribed Effexor (antidepressant) to help with the symptoms.  In the end, I opted not to take it.  First, the side effects scare the crap out of me.  Secondly, I believe I can rise up out of this and work through this.  

I'm certainly better than I was two months ago and even a month ago.   I've been really using goDesana Essential Oils. I've been exercising more and watching my diet more closely.  I haven't been able to do my morning yoga practice yet but that will come in time.   My yoga mat is the only place that I feel at peace.

I'm going to try to blog more often.  I like writing and it helps to put things down  - to vent.   For those of you reading this - especially family members - do not despair.   I'm fine.  Just working through a difficult period.  No one is immune from having difficult times.  No one.  And if you say that you're a ray of sunshine 100% of the time, I'm calling the bullshit flag on you.  :)

Namaste'

Changes

It's been quite a while since my last post.   So much has happened since that time.  To say that my life has undergone changes is quite an understatement.

Perhaps the most significant change is that my beloved mother-in-law passed away on February 8th.  Ella took ill in September which  required us to place her in the nursing home where she passed on the aforementioned date.  Although the care given to her there was excellent, we were very hands on.  Tom was there every single day and I was with her whenever my schedule allowed - generally Thursdays through Sundays. 

After my mother passed away 20 years ago, Ella took over the role and we grew quite close - especially the last five years.  We'd spend Saturday's together grocery shopping and having lunch together and talking.

During the last six months, that closeness was magnified by the fact that we both knew, without speaking, that her days were numbered.   Although we made plans about the future, we knew the future wasn't in her cards.  She was 94.  I tried to prepare myself for what was to come, but apparently I didn't prepare enough.

I loved her deeply and wept at her deathbed.   Then I went in to full on "deal and stuff" mode as family arrived and we made arrangements for her funeral. I didn't allow myself to grieve properly.

 That was painfully aware when two weeks ago Tom laid out his argument to purchase her house.   Although I could not argue his discussion points, I felt a huge emotional upheaval in my chest.  At a time when I should be overjoyed to be renovating a home in town, I felt overwhelming grief.   My mother-in-laws house...that's all I could see.

I've acknowledged that I've not dealt well with her death.  I had an appointment with a grief counselor provided by Red River Valley Hospice.   She listened to me, gave me some things to talk about and helped me determine that it wasn't only Ella's passing that I mourned.   I do have a return appointment in a few weeks.

In the meantime, we are moving forward with the house renovations.  Although I suspect that Tom hasn't dealt with his grief, the counselor stated that men grieve much differently than females.  This may be his way of grieving.  She gave me signs to watch for with him as well.  I worry about him, his health and his throwing himself in to this new 'adventure' as he calls it.  I know he'll falter at some point. I just hope that I'm well and strong enough to help him when he hits his wall.

 For those family members reading this - do not panic and think I'm at the bottom of despair.   I'll be ok.  I just need to find joy again.  It will take time.  I need to focus on my exercising more, find joy in  my personal yoga again and pay attention to my diet. 

All of these things will happen in due time.

Live

My heart aches for those experiencing any type of darkness in their lives.  So many people are struggling with loss, health, self-esteem, family or work issues.  

 

I listen to all of you, I hear all of you, I embrace all of you.   Your burdens become my burdens and I stand with you as you fight to build a beam of light in your tunnel of darkness. 

 

I want to help, I want to fix, I want to take you by the hand and guide you to happier times.   But I cannot.   I have learned, through fighting through my own trials and tribulations, that no one can fix you ...except you.

 

When motivation to get up the couch and take a walk escapes you, look at the person who is fighting cancer.

 

When family issues pull you down, look to the orphan who has no family.

 

When your finances are slim, look to the homeless person.

 

When your job has your stomach turning in knots, look to the person who has no job.

 

It's going to take work.  It's going to take some perseverance and determination to make things better.  It may be that you need to set the only goal of just waking up and believing that each day is a new day to get it right. 

 

 There are going to be good days and bad days.   More often than not, you'll have more bad days than good.  When you have the good days, celebrate them, embrace them, and look forward to them, remember the feeling of them.   Then strive to make several of them, in succession, so eventually you have more good days than bad.

 

This video spoke to me so much that I wanted to share it.  The young man in this video has limited years to live due to CF.   He fights to live each day as if it were his last.  It's a wakeup call to the able bodied people who are sitting on the couch, wishing their life were better.  

 

Life doesn't come with a remote - you have to get up and change it yourself.

 

 

 

 

2015

We're 9 days in to 2015.  Hard to believe; time is going too fast.  Life is going too fast. It seemed like yesterday that I was blogging about Firsts.  Yet when I look at the date, I see that it was November. 

Life seems to move at a fast pace while standing still.   My days are extremely busy, the hours move at break-pace speed.  I'm working hard, I'm busy, every single day.  So much so that I have a note on my google calendar for Sundays - "Sherry's Day - Don't schedule anything."   I give so much of myself to everyone Monday through Saturday that I think I deserve the right to give Me one day out of the week to disconnect with the world.  To escape.   Which in my world usually means hitting the gym, bike riding (in the summer) for hours, taking out an ICAP dog or spending time with friends.

My mother in law is doing a little better I guess.  We've put her on an appetite stimulant and it seems to be working.  She's gone from a gaunt 73 lbs to 81 lbs in a month.  She's still a cantankerous 94 yr old lady who is depressed and never happy with anything or anyone in her life.  It sucks the happy right out of me whenever I go visit her.  But I love her and would do anything for her. 

Work is ok.  A co-worker is gone for 8 weeks and another will be gone for four weeks.  I'll be pulling double and triple duty.  It sucks.  I'm busy with my own work but then you add on their work and it's going to be sheer craziness.   It's a good thing I do yoga!

I do not know what 2015 holds in store for me.  None of us have that crystal ball, do we?  I do plan on living life, being the best that I can be, keeping an open heart and to keep on believing - in myself, in others, life and love.