The End of November

Hard to believe that we're seeing the last day of November on the calendar.   Tomorrow is December 1st.

Christmas isn't my favorite holiday.  Although I have treasured memories of Christmas' past while growing up, I haven't gotten overly excited in my adult years.  When asked why, I can't even come up with a good reason...other than its too commercialized for my liking.

I see people stressing out about decorating, buying gifts, financial strain, attending numerous concerts and parties, baking, card sending.  It's exhausting, it's stressful and not at all enjoyable, in my opinion.

Out at the farm, I haven't decorated for Christmas in 10 or more years.  T is a bona-fide Scrooge and we have no children, so it wasn't a priority. I've dispensed with the Christmas baking (don't need the calories), and done away with the Christmas cards (I'd much rather pick up the phone and call those I care about).  In so far as gift giving, I have only a few to buy for...the obligatory office gift, T (who gives me a list), and Blaine (he's easy to please) and a few others.  Gifts will be simple, meaningful and from the heart.

This year...I feel the need to decorate.  I don't know why...perhaps because we are in town now and I don't want to be that house on the block that the neighbors  lovingly refer to as Scrooge's House.  😏

I ordered a few outside decorative planters, a few wreaths,  and I have some simple (yet elegant) ideas for the inside.  I won't do a huge tree, but there are other alternatives.

I might do same baking, then again, maybe not.

What I will do is share the love in my heart with family and my very treasured friends.

We will laugh, we will eat food, drink wine, enjoy each other's company, and remember that Christmas is in the heart.

This is how I prefer to celebrate Christmas.

Soul Therapy

I'm not a Church attender.  I've always had this ebb and flow relationship with the Church throughout my life.  It draws me in for a period of time, and then the gypsy spirit in me needs to leave.  I'll go back at some point; I always do. 

Normally I'm out on my bike on Sunday mornings.   It's where I find time for myself to think, to laugh, cry, shout, smile, dream, hope and Believe.  Today I felt the need to walk.  I bundled up and hit the pavement to the park.

It was a brisk 27 degrees, overcast and frosty; absolutely beautiful.  I walked three miles (or 3 times around the park).  It didn't seem like I had gone that far because my mind was so busy thinking through things on the first time around.  The second time around I got outside my head and noticed the beauty around me.  I recited my "I Am Sherry" mantra and slowed down.   The third time through was purely for the sheer joy and love of being outdoors in nature....my Church.   It's  been a place where I feel the closest to God and the Universe's energy.   

I did some soul therapy this morning.

Need to Engage Filter

Ever opened up your mouth and said something and instantly regretted it?   Said what's on your mind and in your heart only to see the look on the other person's face and know that they didn't appreciate your candor; it was one of those moments when you should have shut your mouth and kept your words to yourself?

 

Ya, me too.  Big Time!

 

I hurt someone deeply by opening my mouth - and vomiting words that should have been best kept unsaid.   And I regret it, so very very much.   I'm afraid that I've done irreparable damage to a relationship  and no amount of apologizing will help the situation.  More than likely it'll hurt it more because of my big mouth. 

 

Honesty is not the best policy in some cases.  

 

 

Jefferson Starship - Find Your Way Back

Back to Work Monday

I could have used more time off from work.  But I am here, tackling my inbox and finding some sort of order in the chaos.

Yesterday Peggy and I drove to Bismarck to help Ron and Lisa write thank you cards.  It was a good drive there; weather was beautiful and company was nice. Peg and I discovered we haven't really had alone time in quite some time.  The miles flew by so quickly.  In all honesty, we could have driven to Montana and back and still wouldn't have had enough time.

Ron seems to be holding up OK, all things considered. As life settles down for him and his kids, I'm sure they'll settle in to a routine...a new normal.  It'll take time though, and I hope the give themselves that.

Thanksgiving is this week.  We'll be at my sister Pegs house again this year.  I'm in charge of buns and wine.  I can handle that.

Friday is the annual Holiday Parade of Lights.  JRCC is going to try for a 3-Peat in the best float category.   The call has been made for parade walkers.  Everyone in my department has other obligations.  I'm going to sit this one out in the comfort of The Grille, eating tasty food and drinking toasty drinks with a few of my close friends. 

So a busy week ahead as I try and regain some normalcy to my life and mind.

Kenny Chesney - Setting the World On Fire

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday was emotional, understandably.  Our family said goodbye to Pearl.  It was a beautiful service and everyone in my family was in attendance with the exception of Dennis, my sister Judy's boy.  

As we were at the lunch prior to going to the cemetery, my brother and I both made the comment to family that this is a prime example of why the Schulz Oktoberfest (reunion) needs to keep happening..  Pearl died 3 weeks after the last Oktoberfest.  You just never know what tomorrow holds.  I'm hoping that my nieces and nephews understand that and will make more of an effort to attend.

Afterward we went to my brother's house for a small gathering of Pearl's siblings and mine.  There was a ton of food, warm memories of Pearl, laughter and tears.  Ron seemed to be holding up well but he had people around to distract his mind from the thoughts and emotions.  Those will come when the house is quiet and it's just him.  I will be contacting him every couple of days and I foresee several trips to Bismarck to see him (Lisa and Brad too).   (Maybe do some shopping too).  :)

Today I took another bereavement day.  I went to the gym and worked out with my trainer this morning.  The last thing I wanted to do was workout. From past experience, I knew I needed to work out.  I told that to Nick (trainer), he simply nodded and said "therapy."  Yes, yes it is.

Emotional Rollercoaster

I didn't really want to go to work today; my heart wasn't in it.  But after having two days off last week, I needed to show up and tackle my in-box.  It was a valiant effort with few results.  My mind kept going towards my brother, Ron, and how he was doing.   He and Pearl were inseparable.  Although I was far too young to know it (there's an 18 year age difference between us), I'm told that it was love at first sight when he saw Pearl.  Something very rare these days.  

My supervisor informed me that I get three days of bereavement leave.  I'll be taking tomorrow off to go see my brother and his children as they have an informal meeting with the minister to recap the "life of Pearl", a chance for family to share thoughts and memories of Pearl...some of which may be used during the funeral on Thursday.

In the meantime, I'm reeling from emotion.   Blogs stalkers, I'm OK.  I'm not going to go down as far as I did when my mother in law passed away.  I'm stronger now.  My emotions are of concern for my brother Ron.  He just lost the love of his life and best friend.  My sister, Peggy, can relate - as her husband died 9 years ago.  In her words, "he's strong, he'll be ok - but he'll do it on his terms."  

Death is inevitable, we're all going to die at some point.  I know this.   As I think about my family, I know that the next several years - hopefully 10 or more - will be difficult years.  I'm the youngest of six kids.  My oldest sister is 75, Ron is 73, Judy 70, Peggy 69, Terry 61.  My husband is 66.  As we just witnessed by Pearl's death, it can come swiftly.  While I'd like to believe everyone will live forever, that is not a realistic hope.  

My heart already aches for the losses still to come.  

The heart bow'd down by weight of woe,
      To weakest hope will cling,
      To thought and impulse while they flow,
      That no comfort can bring;
      With those exciting scenes will blend,
      O'er pleasure's pathway thrown,
      But memory is the only friend
      That grief can call its own.
The mind will, in its worst despair,
      Still ponder o'er the past,
      On moments of delight that were
      Too beautiful to last;
      To long-departed years extend,
      Its visions, with them flown;
      For memory is the only friend
      That grief can call its own.
~Alfred Bunn (1796–1860), "The Heart Bowed Down," music by Michael William Balfe

Pearl

My sister Peggy just called with the news that our sister-in-law passed away.

My heart is heavy as my thoughts turn toward my brother Ron.  He and Pearl were inseparable.

No words right now....only tears.

Emotional Day

Today was a difficult day for me.   T and I went out to the farm to finish cleaning out the house.   This should have been done earlier in the summer, but both of us made the decision to enjoy the summer and be outside doing the things that we love doing rather than being inside.  

Today was the day.   It's so strange driving out to the farm and walking in to the house that has been my home for the past 25 years.  I miss being out in the country.  The quietness, the privacy, the wide open spaces and yes, even the small, rundown house.  

It was all about clearing out the junk and getting things out to the dump.  The main floor and basement are in control with regards to that aspect.  It was the attic that hasn't been given a lot of attention.   We changed that today.   When I moved out to the farm in 1989, everything I had in my possession was stored in the attic.  Other than going to the attic for Christmas decorations, everything has been untouched.

With every box I opened, the memories came flooding back to me; I'd forgotten what I'd had.  Each box brought a memory to the mind and a tear to the eye.  The memories of growing up on the farm and a time that was so much simpler washed over me.   Harvest, butchering, making pies and donuts, Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with my parents, siblings and their  families....it all came back to me and I couldn't help but sit down and weep.

Some of those memories involved my sister-in-law Pearl - my older brother's wife.  She was hospitalized last week.  She's sick - real sick - and was put on a feeding tube last night and life support today.   She's only 73 - young by today's standards.   

While I'm not giving up hope and praying like crazy, my heart aches for her, Ron (my brother), Lisa, Brad (her children), Brennan, Brackston and Hayden (her grandsons).   

So tonight I'm sitting with my feet encased in fuzzy slippers with a wine glass nearby, and memories flooding my mind. 

It's been an emotional day.  

What to write about

I'm making a concerted effort to write on this blog more often.  For one reason or another, I felt like what I had to say wasn't all that interesting to myself or to others.  So I stopped writing.  But then I found that I missed it.  The chronicling of my daily life - albeit boring - was somehow cathartic.   I don't realize everything that I do, until I read it.  As I read my archives, I can see a definitive shift in moods and thoughts.  I can tell exactly what I was feeling by my choice of words.  I believe, before the Internet, they called this "journaling".  

So what am I going to write about today?  I don't have a freaking clue.

It's the 12th of November and. for the most part, all is good for me today.  I knew it was going to be a good day because my head wasn't spinning the moment I woke up.  You know....the movie that just doesn't quit.  "I wonder how (insert a name) is doing today", "I have to remember to do (insert task)", "what is going to happen between (insert names)", "I wonder if I should schedule my yoga retreat for Jan or Feb", "I wonder if (insert name) is really sincere in their words or if they're messing with my head", or "I have to remind T that he has to do this, this and this today and not to forget to take his medications on time." 

That's usually the conversation in my head within the first few minutes of waking up - be it 3am or 5am.   But today, my only thought was, "I think it's going to be a good day."   

And so far, it isn't too bad.  I rocked my yoga classes, although they were small in numbers.  Totally understandable given the beautiful weather that we are having in the north land.   I hit the local liquor store and they had this amazing wine sale going on.  I scored 10 bottles of hopefully great wines and didn't break the bank.  It is, after all, soon to be the holiday season.  Ok....that's my excuse.  What I really mean is, I like my glass of wine at night!  It's always good to be honest, yet? 

What's on deck for the rest of the day?  I may jump on my bike and go riding around town for a bit, or I may walk over to the new tattoo and massage parlor across the ally and see how they're doing with their renovations.  I'm like SUPER stoked about this - hubster, not so much.    I want another tattoo, and have a fairly good idea of what I want...just need to allocate the funds to do it then schedule it.  

So, I hope the blog stalkers are having a great day as well.   Stay tuned .

Namaste`

November Sun

Today is a sunny day with beautiful temperatures.  I'm getting spoiled with all this natural Vitamin D!  Sure beats clouds and cold temperatures.

Today is Election Day in America.   I worry for our country.  No matter who wins, I fear it's going to put our country in to a tailspin.  I just hope we can recover.  Maybe the people will start fighting back and let our voices be heard.

Our government is broken, our nation is broken, as is the society within it.  Something needs to happen, and soon.

Relax

What does it mean?   The definition I found online says,

• to become or to cause (something) to become less tense, tight, or stiff
• : to stop feeling nervous or worried
• : to spend time resting or doing something enjoyable especially after you have been doing work.
  
  
  I would suppose that it means different things to different people. Some might think to relax is to lay on the couch, watching a program or movie, or reading a book.  Others might find gardening, playing music or taking a walk.  Some may find being with others as relaxing.
  
  
  Me?  I tend to have difficulty sitting still and focusing.  So I need something physical to help me get out of my mind.  I like to bike ride, go to the gym, or even do housework.  (I know, right?!).
  
  
  Yesterday, I had a very relaxing day with my nephew, Blaine.  I took him out for lunch and then for a drive.  We were cruising with the sunroof open, music cranked through the speakers, singing to our favorite song, and enjoying the scenery as we drove.   Spending time with Blaine always makes me smile.  And yesterday, it was relaxing.  We talked a lot - nothing specific at all.  When we drove through a part of town in which he used to live, he stated that he missed living in that area but "sometimes you just need to move on."   So very true Blaine.  When you listen to him....really listen...he has a very unique way of looking at things.  A lot of people do not give him the credit that he deserves.   I'm glad that he is relaxed enough with me that he can open up and be his true self.
  
  
  I guess we were both relaxed yesterday.