Happy Place

Yesterday was truly a gift.  The temperature for February 27th was beautiful; I believe it hit 63 here.

I had one yoga class, but my second didn't show.  So I called Becky and we went for a walk for an hour. It was positively beautiful and it was great to be able to reconnect with Becky.

Brainerd called and invited me to lunch, which means he wanted me to buy lunch cuz he ran out of money. It's alright...it gave me some much needed Blaine time.

The plan was to go home and do more purging.  It was too nice.   I changed clothes and went for a bike ride.  A 9.65 mile bike ride that took me to my happy place.  I love it when I can escape from reality and be free of worry or responsibility - if even for a short while.

T

We were watching an episode of Sons of Anarchy last night.  In that episode, Gemma had to put her father (suffering from dementia) in to a care facility.   The father was pleading with her, "I want to go home," "Don't leave me here"  "I don't want to stay".    Gemma broke down crying.   And so did Tom.

He was sobbing .  I stopped the show and went over to him and asked him what was wrong.   He said that was the exact same thing that happened to him and Ella.   She would plead with him to take her home every time he visited with her - and that he felt he was responsible for her death.

I've always felt that he hadn't dealt with her death - grieved - as he jumped right in to "executor of the estate" mode, then bought the house and started demolition within days.   Last night he said that while living in town is a good idea (due to his age, health, my working in town, etc.), buying her house wasn't the best idea because every time he walks in to the house, he thinks of her.

I didn't know quite what to say. All I could do was listen and try to console him that his mother's death was in no way as a result of him putting her in to the nursing home.

Anything I said regarding the house would just add salt to his raw heart, so I didn't say it. But it's what I've been thinking all along.  It was his way of dealing with his grief.  

Forward

At some point, the house will be ready.  Not sure that I will be, but I'm going to have to be, like it or not.

We've gone furniture shopping.  I don't have a decorative bone in my body, so can't visualize how things might look.  T and I have very different tastes and ideas.  At one point he even said, "well Mom had it like this".   Not a smooth move.

It took several deep breaths to let that one go. 

We haven't ordered anything yet, but will soon.  Next agenda item is ordering blindes for the windows.  I think we're in agreement there.

I took March 3 and 4th off to clean...hoping that all the work will be done in the house.  It'll be a full year on March 21st that we've been dealing with all of this.

I'm tired and just want to move forward with the next chapter of life...whatever that brings.

I'm looking forward to being able to spend time with friends.  Roles will be reversed as Tom will be driving out to the farm to take care of things there...getting machinery sold, scrap iron sold and the house(s) sold. Last summer nothing was accomplished in that respect due to work on the house.

Hopefully he'll have his brother back to help a little bit.  If not, it falls all on his shoulders.   He's 65 and I worry about his health.  Keeping busy is good in one respect and not so much in another.   I notice changes in his memory every day.  Stress, perhaps..

Anyway, we're moving forward.  The deadline of April 1st looms closer.  I don't know if we'll make it...but I just know I am not going to lose my summer. I have a LOT of bike riding to do! #mytherapy

Friends

My friend Donna and I went to Fargo to visit our friend, Lance, in the hospital.  He just had surgery on his mouth for cancer.  He's going to be out for a while, but unfortunately doesn't have any leave built up.  I'm hoping I can donate to him and help him out a little.

We took his wife, Sarena, also friend and coworker out for dinner so she could have a break from the hospital.

She's a tough lady.  Their family has gone through so much....they need a break. 

Donna and I had a great time and a heart to heart talk about life, relationships, hopes, dreams.  She's in my circle of "besties" and perhaps understands me the most.

Relationships are always evolving, changing, and I feel that I'm fortunate to have Life Walkers....those certain few who will be with me through my life time...through thick and thin.  I know that there will be times they fade in and out due to their life circumstances. The most important thing to remember is that the heart bond of true friends will never be broken.

Chapters in Life

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mother-in-law's death.   It was an emotional day for me.  This last year - the last chapter - of my life has taken so many twists and turns.  The emotional turmoil that I've been through is - and has been - overwhelming.   It's brought  me to my knees too many times - more than I care to admit.   

But I've survived yet another storm.

I'm not the same person I was a year ago.  I've come through another fire, another chapter, in my life.   I didn't break.  Am I stronger?  I don't know.   I feel...different.  Less open, less optimistic, more realistic. Which is sad, actually.   I've always been a "life through rose colored glasses" type of gal.  Now, I'm not. 

I have some heart scars that will heal (or soften) in time.  But here's the thing... I know that there are many more chapters in my life that will bring more heartbreak, more tears, more let downs, more grief, more worry, more stress.  But, there will also be more good times, more laughter, more smiles, more hugs, more sun, more....life.

I'm hoping that I have some calm before the next storm.  A time for me to coast for a little bit - to experience life on even ground. 

Unspoken

Sometimes, in conversations, you need to listen to the unspoken words.  They can speak volumes.

I've always been a face value person, but recently have had so many conversations that, when the light bulb finally turned on, the true meaning of the words were in what wasn't being said.

Some may say that my head is thinking too much, or that paranoia has set in.  I don't believe this to be true.  What I believe is most people want to avoid confrontation and pain.  Rather than speak what is on their minds, they'll tell you what you want to hear.  But a keen eye will watch actions, timing of spoken words, and be able to get the gest of what is implied.

Example:  So, "what are you up to?" Sounds like a person is interested in you.  But when that question is paired with "I haven't seen you around much"  one might detect the person is really saying, "you sod!, you're too busy to give me a call?"

It's actually quite interesting and very exhausting.  Much better to be unfiltered and say what's on your mind.  No guessing, no games, just lay it out on the line.   Everyone knows where they stand and a true, honest communication can be achieved.

One can only hope.

Energy

I'm not quite sure how to close off my heart to protect it from negative people and their energy. 

I pride myself on living with an open heart, helping others through their struggles.  But sometimes a person enters my path that has nothing but dark energy and negativity. They suck the life right out of me.  I need to armour up and protect myself so I'm not so vulnerable to their darkness.

I've been trying to say quiet, but their vibrations overload my senses.  I'm drained at the end of the day.  Obviously that strategy isn't working.

A friend who also feels energy said she "pulls a curtain" over herself and doesn't react with any words or emotions that would "open the doorway" to them.

I'm going to try to visualize that and see if it works.  Worth atry.