It's been quite a while since my last post. So much has happened since that time. To say that my life has undergone changes is quite an understatement.
Perhaps the most significant change is that my beloved mother-in-law passed away on February 8th. Ella took ill in September which required us to place her in the nursing home where she passed on the aforementioned date. Although the care given to her there was excellent, we were very hands on. Tom was there every single day and I was with her whenever my schedule allowed - generally Thursdays through Sundays.
After my mother passed away 20 years ago, Ella took over the role and we grew quite close - especially the last five years. We'd spend Saturday's together grocery shopping and having lunch together and talking.
During the last six months, that closeness was magnified by the fact that we both knew, without speaking, that her days were numbered. Although we made plans about the future, we knew the future wasn't in her cards. She was 94. I tried to prepare myself for what was to come, but apparently I didn't prepare enough.
I loved her deeply and wept at her deathbed. Then I went in to full on "deal and stuff" mode as family arrived and we made arrangements for her funeral. I didn't allow myself to grieve properly.
That was painfully aware when two weeks ago Tom laid out his argument to purchase her house. Although I could not argue his discussion points, I felt a huge emotional upheaval in my chest. At a time when I should be overjoyed to be renovating a home in town, I felt overwhelming grief. My mother-in-laws house...that's all I could see.
I've acknowledged that I've not dealt well with her death. I had an appointment with a grief counselor provided by Red River Valley Hospice. She listened to me, gave me some things to talk about and helped me determine that it wasn't only Ella's passing that I mourned. I do have a return appointment in a few weeks.
In the meantime, we are moving forward with the house renovations. Although I suspect that Tom hasn't dealt with his grief, the counselor stated that men grieve much differently than females. This may be his way of grieving. She gave me signs to watch for with him as well. I worry about him, his health and his throwing himself in to this new 'adventure' as he calls it. I know he'll falter at some point. I just hope that I'm well and strong enough to help him when he hits his wall.
For those family members reading this - do not panic and think I'm at the bottom of despair. I'll be ok. I just need to find joy again. It will take time. I need to focus on my exercising more, find joy in my personal yoga again and pay attention to my diet.
All of these things will happen in due time.
