Feel Alive

I've been dealing with my mother-in-law since we admitted her to the nursing home last Wednesday.  It's difficult to see her there in this state.  She's always been a symbol of strength in my mind, always finding ways to get exercise and had the "I'll do it" mentality.  Not so much now.   She's in a lot of pain and has lost her appetite.  She weighs 87 lbs fully clothed.  Her lack of appetite is affecting her physical state; she is weak and all she wants to do is sleep.  I worry about her a great deal.  While I hope for the best, I fear for the worst if things do not turn around for her, soon.    Tom is trying to be strong but I know he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders.  I worry about him too.  I do as much as I can to assure him that it'll be alright, but I know his mind is constantly working about what needs to be done if, and when, his mother passes.

As for me, having Ella has brought back memories from when my mother and grandmother were in the nursing home.  In fact, Ella is in the same room that my grandmother was in.  She was 94 when she passed away in '95.  In a lot of respects, they remind me of each other.

I'm doing alright for the most part.  I feel an incredible amount of stress laying on my shoulders right now.  Work is definitely busy and challenging.  I am getting more work projects piled on me; I'm expected to do more with no extra time (or pay).  I keep telling myself that it's job security and I can handle anything they throw at me and it's my time to show them just how valuable of an employee I am. :)  Then there is the incredible low morale at work.  It seems that no one is happy - from management all the way down to line staff.  I have so many people  coming to me with their thoughts, concerns and issues - that I feel this overwhelming need to Fix it.  Somehow.  I had a letter drafted to send to the members of the Management Team, but I thought better of it.  Timing is everything and that letter was written after three glasses of wine after a particularly emotional day.  While I haven't hit the Send button, I WILL find a way to convey the concerns of the many who have trusted in me to listen to them.

The title of this post is Feel Alive.  I have to keep reminding myself to Live Each Day- to be present in the moment and not worry about tomorrow.  Tomorrow is going to happy whether I worry about it or not.   So I find things that make me feel good and stress less.   I went for an incredible bike ride yesterday.  I rode 15 miles through the Pipestem and towards my house.  Incredible and beautiful.  The memory of sitting on waters edge enjoying the view will be forever etched in my memories.  I was Alive and in the moment; peaceful is the only way it could be described. Reality did rear it's ugly head later in the day as I visited Ella in the nursing home, but I was more able to handle it because of the peaceful and enjoyable morning that I'd had.

Changes

I spent the night with my mother in law.  She hasn't been doing well the past week.  She is experiencing a lot of pain, hasnt been eating and is very unstable on her feet.

After several trips to the doctor and emergency room, Tom made the decision to place her in a nursing home.  Today she'll go to Ava Maria.  Change isn't easy for anyone but especially for Ella.  I fear that this is thw beginning of the end for this sweet lady.  I also know that Tom is going to have his hands full with family.  They've never been close at all..but am sure that this will cement the dissention between them.

I will have to be strong for both of them.

Vacation is almost over!

Tomorrow it's back to reality - I go back to work.  It'll be a Tuesday disguised as a Monday, and those are tortuous days as it's a double load.  Add to that the fact that I've been gone for a week.  Ugggh!

 

But, I'm going in to the work week with renewed vigor.  It's amazing what time off can do for a person.   I'm rested, rejuvenated and feeling good about myself.   T and I had a good time and saw some amazing countryside.  I discovered that I'm in love with the mountains - specifically the Grand Tetons.   When I win the lottery, you'll find me there.  :)

 

So I enjoyed today immensely.  I had lunch with a friend then went out to the Pipestem Dam for some awesome time on the trails.  The sun was shining and it was relaxing and beautiful to sit and enjoy the scenery.  (I'm trying to soak up as much Vitamin D as I can before the snow starts flying). 

 

So for the rest of this night, I am going to enjoy the rest of my vacation time for tomorrow it's back to reality.